A Message From Caesar

"Colonizers ruin everything."

Hello comrades,

At some point last night, Saeed paused the video game we were playing (“God of War: Ragnarok” if you must know) to look at his phone and then said “holy shit!” Before giving up the game entirely, he’d pause every few minutes to scroll, scan and scream.

“Holy shit! This is crazy! What is going on??? I can’t believe it’s going down like THIS.”

And then finally, with a defeated sigh, “Colonizers ruin everything.” That’s when I realized he was talking about Twitter.

A bit dramatic if you ask me, but as we all know Saeed is… Saeed. I tried to offer comfort and reassurance. He’s got this little newsletter! He’s got his Instagram! He’s got his podcast! He’s got way too many grouptexts! An abundance of ways for him to mix and mingle with his little friends. But Saeed would not be comforted and would not be reassured. I felt for him. I really did. In large part because Saeed has a true gift for making his emotions permeate the atmosphere like weather.

But then, he went too far and did the one thing he KNOWS pisses me off.

He baked another damn cake.

Yellow cake with chocolate frosting. He even added crushed walnuts and a fruit compote to the middle layer. And YET AGAIN, he offered me nary a morsel. This will not stand.

Winter has come to the Heartland and I’m a dog of war.